It Isn't Easy
by Scottie-Pet
Summary: Connor Mckinley can't help his thoughts for Steve Blade. He is not ready for the rejection that is sure to come.


**Warning for slurs and some potentially triggering content pertaining to harassment.**

* * *

**It Isn't Easy**

* * *

"Hello Steve!"

Connor Mckinley grinned at the boy in question, toying with the bottom of his shirt. Steve Blade, his fellow third grade classmate and best friend, looked up from where he was sitting on his porch, watching a snail slowly move along the steps.

"Hi Connor," he smiled back. "Wanna play?"

"Sure!" Connor jumped up and down ecstatically. "I got a new frisbee, wanna see it?"

"Yeah!" Steve followed him to his house, which was only a few houses down the street.

Living on the same street allowed their friendship to grow, in addition to the fact that their families shared the same religious beliefs - Mormonism, as many families in their neighborhood followed. They'd known each other since they could first walk, and there was rarely a day when they weren't playing together.

The two boys tossed around the frisbee for a bit beneath the hot sun, sticky with sweat, before they transitioned into a game of tag. Chasing each other around the expanse of grass in the Mckinley yard, they eventually grew tired and laid on the ground beside each other, laughing and panting. The smell of grass was hanging in the air while the two stared at each other, still giggling.

"You're my best friend, Steve." Connor told him as the sun bathed them.

"You're mine too."

* * *

Fourth grade was a heck of a time for Connor and Steve. The homework got a bit harder, but they often spent time doing it together, and their play dates were unperturbed by their newfound schoolwork. The two stayed close as ever, always sitting next to each other in class. Sometimes, Connor would get unnerved by their intimidating teacher, and would intertwine his fingers with Steve's beneath their desks. Steve never objected.

It was one day that Connor had heard a word in passing, from one of the fifth graders at his school. It sounded like a bad word, and he thought that maybe they shouldn't be saying it - bad words made for bad feelings - but he wasn't sure what it meant. That same evening, his parents were having the Blades over for dinner - as happened every Wednesday - and he decided to ask what it meant.

"Gee Mrs. Mckinley, this soup is just splendid." Steve commented.

"Thank you Steve," Connor's mother beamed, and he looked at her. She always knew the answer to everything.

"Mom," Connor suddenly said. "What does 'gay' mean?"

The set of four parents all froze. Steve was still slurping away at his soup as Connor looked at his mom expectantly. Steve's father dropped his spoon on the table, and Connor's mother turned red.

"Where did you hear that word?" Mrs. Mckinley demanded.

"At school," Connor replied, shying away from his mom's harsh tone. "I-is it a bad word?"

She exchanged a glance with his father, and then with Steve's parents. "...Gay is when... Two boys or two girls... Like each other in the way that a boy and a girl would." She explained with an expression of disgust and contempt on her face.

"Oh. I thought it was bad." Connor shrugged, not perturbed by this. "Well, okay then." He returned to his soup.

"It is bad!" Connor's father exclaimed, causing both Steve and Connor to jump. "It's _very_ bad, boys."

Steve and Connor looked at each other in confusion. "...It is?" Connor asked. "Why?"

"Because, Connor dear," Mrs. Blade attempted to elaborate, her voice exasperated and a bit peeved. "Heavenly father hates gay people. A man and a woman together is the way it's supposed to be. Do you two understand?"

They nodded. "Yes." Connor affirmed.

Steve glanced at his friend, before he returned to eating his soup.

* * *

Connor Mckinley didn't think much about gay people after his and Steve's parents explained them. He went back to his carefree life of playing with Steve on a daily basis. Sometimes they'd explore the forest, pretending that they were camping, pretending that they were the only one the other had. Sometimes they'd pretend to be prophets, and would lead their toys into the life of God. Connor felt like Steve Blade was the most important person in his life, even more than his family.

"Hey, lets pretend to be pirates!" Steve suggested one day.

Connor shook his head. "Pirates are bad guys though. Lets be... Sailors!"

"Okay!" Steve responded.

They played by the creek, pretending that they were on a ship together as they rocked back and forth on the tiny wooden bridge. Suddenly, though, Steve made crashing sounds.

"Oh nooo!" He shouted. "Our ship is crashing! We have to swim to that island!"

"Oh no! Lets go buddy, we can make it! God will help us!" Connor gasped.

They jumped into the creek, their ankles and shoes getting wet as they ran to a rock that was in the center of the stream. The two jumped onto the stone. Steve slipped, but Connor held onto his hand firmly, and they sat on the rock together, giggling.

"Oh my gosh, it looks like we'll have to survive on the fruit of this island!" Connor told him dramatically.

Steve laughed. "At least it's just the two of us."

Connor paused, looking at him. "...Just the two of us?"

Steve smiled at him curiously. "Yeah."

A bright grin blossomed onto Connor's face as he thought about this. "...Good."

* * *

When fifth grade rolled around, Steve and Connor were still the best of friends - the only things that changed, really, were their bodies. Connor was awkwardly struggling with the fact that sometimes he'd wake up in the morning, his genitalia stiff, and he didn't know why. He'd be having a dream about Steve, and then he'd wake up feeling strange.

Every time he'd look at Steve, he would be reminded of these dreams. These dreams, where they'd be lying naked together, in a bed or on a beach, and Steve Blade would kiss him. It was a strange thought, but it felt so good to think about. As the weeks grew by, his feelings for Steve only grew stronger, and he found himself wanting to act on the thoughts he'd been having.

_Is it wrong to think of Steve like this? I'm not sinning, am I?_

_...Why would God make something bad feel good, though? It can't be a sin._

It was time for recess at school, and the two boys were playing on the monkey bars. Kids all around them were running around, going about their own business. Connor was swinging back and forth, but Steve was a little apprehensive about getting his feet off the ground. Connor smiled at him warmly though, so Steve went ahead. However, as soon as he attempted to clutch the bars, his grip slipped and he fell to the ground below, scraping his knee.

"Ow!" He exclaimed, whimpering as he wibbled over his injured skin.

Connor hopped down in concern, instantly at Steve's side. "Oh my goodness," he gasped. "Are you okay?"

"No, it hurts!" The beginnings of tears formed in Steve's eyes, and Connor thought quickly.

"Here, lemme kiss it better," he said, and before he could think he was pressing his lips to the scrape on Steve's knee.

Steve jumped back in surprise. "Wh- Why'd you..."

"It's okay," Connor quickly attempted to explain, feeling his heart race. "There's nothing wrong with me kissing your-"

"Ew!" A voice from the side shouted.

The two boys looked over to where a group of fifth graders were standing, gawking at the two boys. There was a ball clutched in one of their hands, and Connor felt immediately intimidated.

"That's gross! Why would you do that?" A boy questioned, appearing grossed out.

"They're gay," another boy commented, wrinkling his nose.

"Really?" Another one bleated, astonished.

"Gross! Faggots!"

"Yeah, faggots!"

"My mom says that gay people go to hell."

"Aren't they Mormons?"

"Mormon faggots!"

Connor's head was spinning as he felt weighed down by all their insults, and he glanced over to Steve just in time to see Steve's face turn bright red. Steve looked like he was about to cry. Connor was about to defend the two of them, to tell them they weren't _gay_, but he never got the chance - the soccer ball was thrown at them, and hit him right in the face. He cried out in pain as he fell back, and he could feel blood gushing from his nose.

"Ouch!" He tried to hold his nose, but there was blood flowing through his fingers, and down his neck, onto his shirt.

It was the trigger for all the boys to come rushing forward, calling out nasty slurs as they began to beat up the two Mormon friends. Connor couldn't see what was happening to Steve, being too focused on the fact that he was being kicked in the gut, and in the face, and boys above were spitting on him. His vision was alternating between black and white and red as all he could feel was the dull sting of pain, aching all throughout his body. Then, there was nothing.

When Connor opened his eyes, he was laying on the playground floor, wood chips digging into his skin. He sat up, body sore, to see a teacher scolding the group of boys, none of which looked regretful. Dirt and tears were burning in the cuts on Connor's face, but nothing compared to the pain he felt when he looked at Steve.

Steve Blade was staring at the ground, distant and almost apathetic. There were tears flowing from his eyes, despite the lack of expression. His face was bruised and cut, and Connor could see what was the beginning of a large bruise disappearing beneath his sullied shirt, where there were bound to be many more. Steve appeared to be in shock.

Connor reached out to touch his shoulder, but Steve jerked away from him, casting him a betrayed glare, before he got up and ran inside the school. It wasn't much later until Connor was picked up by his mom - she didn't ask why the other kids had beat him up, and he never told her. He didn't see Steve for the rest of the day.

* * *

Only a week had passed since the incident. Steve tried to pretend that it never happened, and Connor never pressed him. He felt as though he was walking on thin ice - all he could think about was how he shouldn't have done that. He shouldn't have kissed his knee, he shouldn't have _said anything_. Little did he know that it wasn't a one-instance thing.

Rumors had spread through the fifth grade that he and Steve were gay, and nothing they could do would dispel these rumors. Boys and girls alike would bully them in various ways, subtle or not. Whether it be drawing the word "fag" onto Connor's locker, tripping Steve down the stairs, or throwing garbage at the two of them during lunch, it continued for the next week until it blew up.

Steve and Connor were riding the bus together. Although they were sitting in the same seat, they weren't talking. Steve was staring out the window, and Connor was fidgeting with his hands awkwardly. A boy to his side tapped him on his shoulder.

"Are you guys really gay?" He asked.

Connor paled, and glanced to Steve, who tensed and glanced over.

"Umm... No," Connor tried, his throat dry.

"Yeah they are!" A girl from the back shouted. "They're queers!"

The boy looked over at him suspiciously, his face contorted in disgust. Several people were looking over now, and Connor inched closer to Steve in fear. This only made people gag in detest. The bus pulled to a stop only a second later, and the two of them rushed off of the vehicle, hoping to get home as soon as possible. The moment they got out, however, Steve was pulled by the collar of his shirt by another kid, who punched him directly in the face. Steve stumbled back into Connor, his nose bleeding and his eyes watering as he gasped out in agony.

"Leave him alone! He's not gay!" Connor near begged, but only for someone to throw an apple at him. It hit him in the eye, and he yelped.

The bus was pulling away, and this time, there were no adults to come to their rescue. Girls and boys alike began to gather around them, jeering and shouting in hostility. Feet were kicking at their stomachs, as the two huddled together beneath the attacks as someone was spitting on them, and people were telling them that they deserved to burn in hell. One boy pulled out his dick and peed on them, only to result in all the other kids laughing.

_Is being gay so bad? Does heavenly father really hate gay people so much, that just because I think gay things, he'd make this happen to me?_

The kids eventually got tired and dispersed, leaving Connor and Steve to sit together, panting, damp with urine and blood as they stared into space. Minutes passed as they just sat there, staring into nothingness, before Connor turned to examine Steve. Steve was still bleeding from his nose, and one of teeth was missing. He had a black eye. Steve looked back at him, an unreadable expression dominating his features.

"Steve..." He mumbled, reaching forward to touch his bleeding nose.

"Don't touch me!" Steve snapped, lurching away as he smacked at Connor's hand. "I'm sick of being bullied because of you! Because you're - _you're _a faggot - and I don't want to be your friend anymore!"

He got up and raced off, running as fast as he could, leaving Connor Mckinley to stare up at his distant form, tears burning his eyes. They slowly trailed down his face and he sat there, staring at where Steve was, for several moments, before he too got up and began to walk home slowly. Shuffling through his feet, when he entered, there was all sorts of commotion from his parents about his injuries. But he just stared into the distance, crying, unresponsive to everything they said to him. That same night, it was decided that the Mckinley family would just have to move. He didn't attend school for the rest of that week, or ever again, because they'd moved before he could return. Steve never came to see him before he left.

Connor pulled himself into the van, buckling himself as he gazed wistfully in the direction of the Blade residence. His father shut the door as he turned the car on, and Connor knew that he would never see Steve Blade again. He had a feeling that maybe this was a good thing, if only for the fact that maybe neither of them would be bullied anymore. His hands were clenched against his shirt, unmoving.

"Goodbye, Steve."

* * *

**I usually keep harassment based off of LGBTQ issues away from my stories. There's too much of it in real life, and I write my stories for the sake of fun. Still, I couldn't help but squeeze out my headcanons into this story. I'm sorry, there are probably already so many fanfictions about this. I just felt like adding my own. I hope you enjoyed.**


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